Deep Thoughts ~ Limited Vocabulary

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Sunday 15 March 2015

.Hello Again. .It's Me.

It's been forever I know since I've last updated. Life got rocky back in 2012 and I never made it back to feeling like I had before that time. It's not an easy thing to do, forgiving and moving on, no matter how dedicated you are to that intention. Yet, I have to keep trying.

I've been spending a lot of my online time on Twitter. I went for the politics, but after the change in tide of my personal life, I stayed for the comedy. I needed to laugh. Who doesn't right? It just that I felt I needed to laugh more than ever in my life. I also needed a place to vent. Limited to only 140 characters though, such a challenge. I managed though & found a new group of followers who enjoyed my micro-poetry and attempts at humor.

There is so much plagiarism on Twitter, something that really didn't come to my attention until just this year. One large account even boasted to stealing from "blogs" for her tweets. Other accounts called her out on it, yet strangely enough, her following just grew, with her followers defending her thievery. Most likely for her RT value. I'm not sure. Whose to say what is ever in the real hearts and minds of people? Integrity? Does that even exist on the on-line world? Maybe for a few, but most likely for the majority, is it absent from any kind of responsibility?

Because of the tweeter I mentioned above, I thought it might be interesting to use my tag line for this blog, "Deep Thoughts. Limited Vocabulary" as a micro-poetry tweet. Though this particular blog URL has only been around since 2012, the domain has been around much longer, for which I used that tag line on my previous blog. No one noticed any correlation. No one cares to do searches to confirm integrity of a tweet, but I'm glad to say it's mine, & no one else's. That means a lot to me in a online world where everyone lifts & represents things as their own. 

I was also going to tweet a tag line I used for about a month in 2006, "Death by Snot," but disappointedly found many tweets for that spanning back to 2011. Lol I'm 9 years too late on that tweet. Such is life. Snooze you lose, right?

Last night I decided to disconnect from Twitter for a while. I lost much of myself there & want to regain what I lost back. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay away, but perhaps me having this venue to vent & document my thoughts will help. Who knows. 

Sometimes I have no words. Sometimes I have too many. Hopefully I will find I have the right words to get me through all of this. I'm trying to get back to seeing hope in everything. I'm trying to get back to being able to believe in people who make me promises again, regardless of whether they can keep those promises or not.

Wish me luck. Throw me a rabbit's foot. It's time for me to learn to feed my soul again.

Tuesday 16 April 2013

Hello Again

So, it's been forever since I've updated. Life got the best of me. Though I'm thankful where things are now, just 1 1/2 months ago I was ready to throw the proverbial towel in on everything important in my life.

My husband is finally back. The journey of his illness distracted him to follow another path, one I would have rather he not taken. I think when men in particular, are faced with their own mortality, they have two choices to make. He chose the one that nearly destroyed us, but thankfully, he got back on a path to us, our lives together and a future together before it was too late.

So, at this point, I have hope. Hope for us, a better life, deeper love & deeper understanding. But, in the same vein, I'm no fool. If his path changes again, I've promised myself I won't fall apart. I've visited with despair these past months while he's been gone, and despair is company I'll never keep again.  

Monday 8 October 2012

More Than She Can Take

Life has gotten ridiculous.

I would like to take a permanent vacation, but I have responsibilities, so I need to get through this for the people I love.

I wish I could write about it all here, but I can't. I can say, I haven't eaten anything or slept for more than a few hours since this past Friday, and the more I run through the facts through my head, the more I don't know what to believe anymore.

And, that is all for now.

Sunday 23 September 2012

Lazy Sunday... For Someone Else Who Is Not Me

Still in bed, just a lazy Sunday. Actually, I wish it could be. Gotta get off my duff and clean the back yard, hose down the front of the house, give Duke a bath (he really, really, really stinks), do the grocery shopping, laundry, clean the litter box, dust & vacumn...and can be my lazy Sunday.

Tuesday 18 September 2012

Just Another Tuesday

Ah so did I mention that I was rear-ended last Friday? The fact that the bumper of my adored mini-coop is now marred with dents, scrapes and holes hurts my heart more than my sprained neck.  Le sigh. Nothing to do as my hubby would say. It's just a reminder that no matter how hard you try to watch out for those curve balls that life may be throwing your way, it doesn't do any good if someone is sneaking up behind you to whack you from behind. And then of course depending on what you've actually been whacked with, a ball, a bat, a fresh loaf of French bread or a frozen tuna fish, the severity of the downhill spiral starts from there.

Good thing I have a hard head.

And I don't live on a hill so there is really no downhill spiral.

And the pain killers help me sleep.

God knows, I really need sleep.

Goodnight people out there. 

Saturday 15 September 2012

A Day in September

Earlier this week I wrote that my husband is really ill.  I won't go into the details here except to say, since becoming ill he's lost 56 pounds, 40 pounds of that being muscle. All of this lost within two months. For the past month he's been traveling for work and also to receive more tests for his illness, and yesterday when I finally saw him I was shocked.  Since I've known him, he was always a muscular man. When he put his arms around me it felt so safe and comforting. I could feel the strength of those arms even when he gently held me. I would strain to get my arms all the way around him since his chest and back muscles were so well developed.  Years of weight lifting, swimming and martial arts resulted in the physique of a gladiator. And that's what he tried to be for me, the protector of my physical well-being and my heart. He was my gladiator.

I hid my shock and tried to act as I always have, but I could tell he felt uncomfortable. I think perhaps he was worried I wouldn't find him attractive like this. It's just strange because, he's had weight gain problems in the past. When I first met him he was 230 pounds of muscle on his 6'3" frame, but then he gained 30 pounds before we were married. He was self-conscious of his weight gain but I would always tell him I would love him even if he weighed 1000 pounds. He lost that weight and got down to a healthy 230 that he was able to maintain for 3 years before he became ill.  Now he's worried about the opposite, is he too skinny he asked me. But in his eyes I could see what he was really asking. "Could you still love me like this?"

Since we've been together my biggest fear has always been that, because of our busy work life and other responsibilities in our lives, time would slip away before we had a chance to enjoy a real life together. I can't help but to think that my fear is coming true. And it's so unfair. He's such a good person and doesn't deserve this. And, he's too young.  All I can do at this point is hope and pray these treatments will work.  I refuse to give-up. I'll continue to dream about the day when everyday starts with us waking together, and the rest of our days are planned on our whims.

When I first saw him walking towards me yesterday, I didn't recognize him. Along with his weight, his swaggering walk, which always conveyed confidence and strength, is gone. It was a visual I always used in the past to help me pick him out in the crowd. That walk always filled me the same warmth and comfort as having his arms around me. It felt strange to hold him and wrap my arms around him without straining. It felt strange to not feel the strength and heat of his muscle against me as I held him.  His arms and chest felt fragile, they no longer bulged and pulsed with power. It felt foreign to hold him, yet, his smell is the same. His kiss is the same. The tender look in his eyes when he looks at me is the same. 

I'm not writing this to say that my feelings for him have changed. I love him more now than I ever have. It's just that I hadn't realized until now how much of his physical presence had affected me even though it wasn't his physical appearance that had attracted me to him.  I have a feeling we're headed into very rough times, and I realize that the situation with his illness can go from bad to worse, but I'm going to do everything I can do to stay positive for him. Where ever this is headed for the both of us, he's my soul and I want to give him the  strength and peace he's always given me...even though this whole situation is scaring me to death.

Tuesday 11 September 2012

It's Not Easy Being Duke

Duke just back from the vet after having his boys removed. He's not happy. :/

9/11 - Another Year Passed

Hard to imagine the years that have passed, but the memory and horror of that day should never be forgotten.  

Monday 10 September 2012

3 Wrongs & 1 Right

Ah what a day.

First I received some bad news, but I was expecting it so I wasn't surprised by it. But still, not the way that anyone would want to start their day.  My husband is really ill. It kills me not to be able to be with him right now, but he has to do what he has to do. 

Ah and then off to work I went.

Getting into work after driving an hour and 20 minutes, I wasted at least 20 minutes trying to log into the work server. Then my work pc froze 5 times and each time took another 5 to 10 minutes just to reboot. Not sure what the heck is going on there, but I have so much to do and the down time was driving me into grumpiness.

And then...

Coming home from work, I found that Duke got into things he should not have gotten into, and then proceeded to shred and eat things he should have not shredded and eaten. He's still a puppy and learning, but he's smart enough to know right from wrong. To see the complete look of guilt on his face, I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Cleaning up his mess I was feeling hopeless about obedience training with him. He must have sensed it because later on tonight, he surprised me yet again!  He had been banned from the living room because he would jump on the couch and bark at everyone wanting attention and play time. Tonight I decided to let him into the livingroom with us while on his leash. Instead of acting his usual lunatic and chaotic self when entering the living room, and he lay on the floor most of the night on command! No jumping on the couch or barking, or heart palpitations... It was soooo nice! This is really a big deal for me because I want him to be part of the family, but keeping him fenced away from us was really making him sad, as well as I.  With ths huge success tonight, I think finally on the right track!

Tomorrow, on 9/11, he has an appointment to have is boys removed.  I don't really want to do it, but it's the right thing to do. Poor puppy. I hope he forgives me. :/ 

1st Since Forever


It's been forever since I've done a blog. I let this domain go a few years ago because funds became way tight due to the recession. Someone bought it up, but let it sit, and happily today when doing a spur of the moment search, I found it available again. Yay! Which brings me back to...this.

I was thinking of previous blog titles that I've had on this domain. The first was Do Bunnies Groove? The second, Death by Snot and the third, Deep Thoughts, Limited Vocabulary. I decided to stay with the third because that's still the state of mind I'm in at the moment. It may change as my circumstance changes. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep this up. I'm not sure yet. It may take me a while to get used to writing again without character limitations (#twitter #facebook) so forgive me if my sentences are choppy and abrupt.

I feel like I have so much to learn all over again. So, off to relearning I go.


Sunday 9 September 2012

Bonita Cuteness